4 comments

  1. Ke11y

    Trains that leave…

    With empty pockets and empty headed dreams, I could be free again. I could skip on a train. No one suspects anybody moving through life on a train, trembling through the night, passing rows and rows of lights that brighten on towns. There isn’t anything gone wrong that can’t be fixed by riding a train going nowhere in particular.

    It seems so long ago that my fingers were touching your lips, moistened lips ready to kiss. I recall how your teeth felt, so even, and the way your mouth glistened and looked…oh God…

    Everything was lost, I was lost, my feelings were lost, my fight to maintain dignity gone. My eyes stayed closed for moments at a time. I wanted to look at you, every part of you, every inch of your body. My hands wouldn’t be still, wouldn’t obey my mind, monsters in the moonlight. The waves of want for you running home in white sashes, frayed around the edges, and the sound of your sigh irresistible.

    Detours have ruined my life, broken, while searching for perfection. True love, are you there? Are you coming toward me on a comet? Do you ride the Ferris wheel? Will you have long hair or short? Will you cry in my arms with frustration? Will you feel all I feel, show me new feelings, new adventures? Whisper your secrets to me, listen to mine, huge as they are, and never let them go, even in death? I know you are there…I know you…

    1. mcullen Post author

      Kelly, “With empty pockets and empty headed dreams, . . . ” Fantastic opening line.
      “No one suspects anybody moving through life on a train, . . .” Promises a juicy story and you deliver.
      “riding a train going nowhere in particular.” Soothing . . . there is hope.
      “my fingers were touching your lips” Yes . . . good specific detail.
      “Everything was lost, I was lost, my feelings were lost,” Because your opening lines drew me in, creating interest, and because you “invite me (the reader) to join you on this journey . . . this line touches me deeply. I care about this narrator.
      “The waves of want for you running home in white sashes, frayed around the edge. . . ” One of the most beautiful lines I have ever read.
      ” I know you are there…I know you…” Perfect last line to this piece.

      So . . . can you tell I really like this writing?

  2. Ke11y

    Marlene:

    I’m lost for words of gratitude. Thank you.

    1. mcullen Post author

      You are very welcome, Kelly.

Leave a Reply