{"id":10799,"date":"2021-08-08T07:31:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-08T14:31:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/?p=10799"},"modified":"2021-08-06T19:33:01","modified_gmt":"2021-08-07T02:33:01","slug":"help-might-be-where-you-least-expect-it-just-ask","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/help-might-be-where-you-least-expect-it-just-ask\/","title":{"rendered":"Help might be where you least expect it. Just ask."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Excerpted from\u00a0\u201cWhere Do You Hang Your Hammock?: Finding Peace of Mind While You Write, Publish, and Promote Your Book\u201d\u00a0by\u00a0Bella Mahaya Carter<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re out there promoting your book, you\u2019ll have to ask for all sorts of things. This might feel hard. You may make up stories, such as I don\u2019t want to \u201cbother\u201d people or be a nuisance. You may feel as if you have no right to ask for what you want. You may even feel, deep down, as if there\u2019s something wrong with asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, nobody likes rejection, either. We don\u2019t want to hear the word \u201cno.\u201d But how people respond has more to do with them than with you. If you can blow by the nos, you\u2019ll pick up enough yeses along the way. So don\u2019t let that stop you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those stories running through your head, that make asking for what you want seem unsavory, doesn\u2019t mean your ask will not be welcomed or even appreciated. I have had this experience too many times to count. Sometimes when I\u2019ve struggled to ask a person for something, he or she is in fact happy to help. Here\u2019s an example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Years ago, I received an email from Jack Grapes, my old writing teacher and mentor, who published my poetry book in 2008. Jack is a well-known and beloved literary figure in Los Angeles and has been teaching for more than four decades. His email promoted an upcoming writing workshop offered by a former student of his. I wonder if he\u2019d do the same for me, I thought, in the midst of putting together my fall writing classes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next day, I put \u201cemail Jack\u201d on my to-do list. It didn\u2019t get done. The following day, I wrote it again. Usually when I carry over an action item from one day to the next, I cross it off my list on the second day. Not this time. For a week straight, the directive \u201cemail Jack\u201d continued to appear on my list. Why is this so hard to do? I wondered. I knew Jack loved me. I knew he respected my work. Still, asking him to do this for me felt monumental.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A week later, feeling uneasy, I forced myself to just do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ten minutes after I hit the send button, I heard back from him. \u201cI\u2019d be happy to do that,\u201d he responded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few days later, while exploring in my journal why writing and sending that email had been so hard, I realized the heart of the matter: shame. Deep down, I felt as if I shouldn\u2019t need help, which created embarrassment and shame about asking. I worried that my request might seem needy or inappropriate. And from there, the sorry old I\u2019m not good enough voice, a close sibling of I\u2019m not worthy and therefore don\u2019t deserve this, found its toehold and sprang into action, hoping I\u2019d take the bait and fall. Once I realized that my reluctance to ask had stemmed not from a fear that he\u2019d say no but rather from this feeling of unworthiness, something inside me released and I felt free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How many times have you been reluctant to make a request of someone you perceived as more established, successful, or powerful than you? How often have you felt like you didn\u2019t have the right to \u201cbother\u201d or \u201cintrude upon\u201d them? How many times have you reproached yourself, saying you shouldn\u2019t need to ask for help? How many times have you berated yourself, thinking, I should have my shit together and not need anyone else\u2014especially when it comes to my career?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talk about \u201cshould-ing\u201d all over yourself. Let\u2019s agree right here and now to quit feeling crappy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For years, I believed that one of the things writers needed most to succeed was chutzpah. Google defines this Yiddish word as \u201cshameless audacity.\u201d Some of its synonyms are \u201cnerve,\u201d \u201cboldness,\u201d and \u201ctemerity.\u201d Hispanics use cojones, or \u201cballs.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I used to think writers needed balls of steel. Had my dilemma with Jack been a reminder that I needed to grow a pair, or toughen up the metaphorical ones I had?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then it hit me: Instead of bigger balls, instead of fighting, I needed to drop down into myself, to connect with that place where absolute tenderness for and faith in myself and others reside. The key, I realized, was to be shameless in the sense of understanding that we are all worthy and that there\u2019s nothing wrong with asking for what we want. There\u2019s no shame in it; in fact, it\u2019s a blessing. None of us lives alone on this planet. We are part of a community, a web of loving, supportive relationships. We all give and take all the time; these are reciprocal energies, regardless of our professional accomplishments (or perceived lack thereof). Thomas Jefferson once wrote, \u201cRemember that no one is better than you, but that you are better than no one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In order to ask <\/em>for what you want, you have to know <\/em>what you want. Sometimes this is clear. Other times, you have inklings and intuitions. Trust your worthiness, even when you can use a little help. Especially then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Posted 6\/1\/2021 \u00a0on Jane Friedman<\/a>\u2019s Blog, \u201cWriters Ask for What You Want<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amazon<\/a>\u00a0\/\u00a0Bookshop<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Excerpted from\u00a0\u201cWhere Do You Hang Your Hammock?: Finding Peace of Mind While You Write, Publish, and Promote Your Book\u201d\u00a0by\u00a0Bella Mahaya Carter. When you\u2019re out there promoting your book, you\u2019ll have to ask for all sorts of things. This might feel hard. You may make up stories, such as I don\u2019t want to \u201cbother\u201d people or be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"sfsi_plus_gutenberg_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_show_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_type":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_alignemt":"","sfsi_plus_gutenburg_max_per_row":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[104],"tags":[732,614,1630],"class_list":["post-10799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guest-bloggers","tag-bella-mahaya-carter","tag-jane-friedman","tag-where-do-hang-your-hammock"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p43Dj8-2Ob","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10799","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10799"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10799\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10804,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10799\/revisions\/10804"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}