{"id":8798,"date":"2020-01-02T07:00:10","date_gmt":"2020-01-02T14:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/?p=8798"},"modified":"2020-01-01T17:42:46","modified_gmt":"2020-01-02T00:42:46","slug":"i-didnt-want-to-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/i-didnt-want-to-go\/","title":{"rendered":"I didn’t want to go."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t want to go but I\u2019m glad I did.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bella Mahaya Carter\u2019s title for her early December email caught\nmy attention, probably because so many times I didn\u2019t want to go but I was glad\nI went.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what Bella wrote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear Friends,
\n
\nI hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are enjoying the holiday\nseason! 
\n
\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today\u2019s post is\nabout showing up for ourselves and for each other.<\/strong>
\n <\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This past\nMonday night, I did not <\/em>want to attend Forest Lawn\u2019s annual\n\u201cLights of Remembrance: An Evening of Honoring the Memories of Your Loved\nOnes.\u201d I was tired (hadn\u2019t slept well the night before) and felt like I was\ngetting sick. I also didn\u2019t want to drive twenty miles at night to a place I\u2019d\nnever been, or go alone (my husband was too tired and my friend declined). I\nwanted to stay home, lounge by the fireplace, and watch The Crown<\/em>. 
\n 
\nI also did not want to kick off my holiday season with sadness. I did not want\nto do the grief dance. (My mom died seven years ago, in December.) I did not\nwant to be reminded about the ways I\u2019d failed her.
\n 
\nBut Melissa Gould<\/a> was\nthe guest speaker. I had <\/em>to go. Melissa is a former student of\nmine, whose memoir Widow. . . ish<\/em>, is being published by Little A books<\/a> next\nyear. Witnessing her journey has been remarkable.
\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she first\nshowed up in my class, Melissa had recently lost her husband and was grieving.\nAn award-winning screenwriter, Melissa\u2019s inclination was to write fiction, but\nshe needed to tell her own <\/em>story. She didn\u2019t yet understand\nthe value her personal narrative held, nor the healing that would come as a\nresult of sharing it. But she showed up in a big way <\/strong>(even\nwhen it was scary). 
\n
\nShe began her process by writing simple exercises from class prompts, which\nover time became seeds from which essays sprung about her life as a young\nwidow. Her essays have since been published in The New York Times<\/em>,\nthe Los Angeles Times<\/em>, The Washington Post<\/em>, The\nHuffington Post<\/em>, The Girlfriend by AARP<\/em>, Buzzfeed, <\/em>and\nelsewhere. 
\n 
\nIn addition to all the other reasons I didn\u2019t want to go, I told myself it\nwould be better if I got dressed up. I thought the event was happening at a\nsanctuary, which made it feel like an occasion, but the last thing I felt like\ndoing was putting on heels or makeup. 
\n 
\nBut then I realized that all had to do was show up<\/strong>. I set\naside the need to \u201cdress\u201d and instead put on comfy leggings, boots, a sweater,\nhat, and scarf. No make-up. 
\n 
\nWhen I arrived, I discovered the event was being held outdoors, and saw other\npeople dressed casually.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n


\nA choir sang, Melissa\nread her poignant work, poems were shared, and then Melissa led a \u201csilent\nreflection,\u201d a guided meditation in which she invited the audience to close our\neyes and imagine ourselves in a room with a deceased loved one. 
\n 
\nI was with my mom in New York, in our old living room.<\/strong>
\n 
\n\u201cCan you forgive me?\u201d I asked.
\n 
\n\u201cFor what?\u201d she said.
\n 
\n\u201cFor not being more present in your life, especially as you aged.\u201d
\n 
\n\u201cThere is nothing to forgive,\u201d she said.
\n 
\nI felt the truth of that statement.
\n 
\nThen I heard, \u201cYou were there for me in countless ways, large and small. You\nwere a wonderful daughter.\u201d
\n 
\nI realized that we all do the best we can, given our consciousness and\ncircumstances\u2014and that this applies to me as well as anybody else. It also\noccurred to me that I\u2019d been weaving (and believing) a \u201cnot-good-enough\u201d\nstory in my role as her daughter, and was finally able to release it.
\n 
\nTuesday morning I put the candle from Monday night\u2019s ceremony on my altar,\nplaced an empty chair beside it, and invited my mother to join my meditation.\nDuring the journal writing that followed, I wrote her a long letter. And\nshe \u201cwrote\u201d back. I heard her voice and wrote what she said. 
\n 
\nSince then I have felt her presence strongly, but instead of feeling familiar\nsadness, regret, and shame, I am filled with love and joy! What a sweet way to\nkick off the holiday season! 
\n 
\nI keep thinking how I didn\u2019t want to go to the event and the one thing that\ndragged me out of the house was that I wanted to show up for Melissa. She had\ndemonstrated incredible tenacity, courage, persistence, and faith. This is\nworth celebrating.
\n 
\nI was also grateful to receive an email from her saying that she was moved to\nsee me there and that my presence had been a gift. She told me how writing\ncontinues to heal her and is yet another gift.
\n 
\nWhat strikes me is that gift-giving is fluid and creative, and we sometimes\ndon\u2019t even realize what we\u2019re giving\u2014when or to whom. But also, we never know\nwhen we\u2019ll receive <\/em>a gift. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I showed up for Melissa, and she showed up\nfor me<\/em>\u2014and for everyone <\/em>gathered to honor memories\nof loved ones. The gift I received from her was both unexpected and priceless.
\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is what\u2019s possible when we show up for ourselves and for each other.\u00a0
\u00a0
Stories nourish, heal, and uplift us all. Monday night reminded me that\u00a0we rarely know the power of our own stories\u2014until we share them!<\/strong>

If you have a story you\u2019d like to share, or if you\u2019d like to explore what\u2019s possible for you through writing,\u00a0check out Bella\u2019s upcoming\u00a0writing circles<\/a>. Start the new year\u00a0(and decade!) with the gift of creative expression and healing.\u00a0
\u00a0
Blessings and gratitude, Bella

Bella Mahaya Carter<\/a> is an author, creative writing teacher, and empowerment coach, who helps writers (and others) experience greater freedom, joy, and peace of mind. Her\u00a0winter writing circles\u00a0(online and on-site) begin January 29, and are filling up fast! Grab your seat while there are still openings. Bella is be happy to speak with you to answer any questions you may have.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n


Bella believes in the power of writing to heal and transform lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Note from Marlene:<\/strong> I also believe you can use your writing to heal<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI didn\u2019t want to go but I\u2019m glad I did.\u201d Bella Mahaya Carter\u2019s title for her early December email caught my attention, probably because so many times I didn\u2019t want to go but I was glad I went. Here\u2019s what Bella wrote: Dear Friends, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are enjoying the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"sfsi_plus_gutenberg_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_show_text_before_share":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_type":"","sfsi_plus_gutenberg_icon_alignemt":"","sfsi_plus_gutenburg_max_per_row":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[104],"tags":[732,1297,1296,1298],"class_list":["post-8798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-guest-bloggers","tag-bella-mahaya-carter","tag-melissa-gould","tag-raw-my-journey-from-anxiety-to-joy","tag-widow-ish"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p43Dj8-2hU","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8798","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8798"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8798\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8803,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8798\/revisions\/8803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8798"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8798"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thewritespot.us\/marlenecullenblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8798"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}