6 comments

  1. Lisa Goben

    There’s a sadness that she feels because she can’t seem to enjoy Christmas anymore. She’s been giving this a lot of thought lately. It’s not just because money is tight. Money has always been tight and it never seemed to matter. It’s more the collective weight of the years of struggling. She struggles with balancing her family budget to accommodate the holiday purchases, finding the perfect gifts for her family and friends, finding time to actually do the shopping, decorating and visiting. She didn’t always feel this way. She loves Christmas and the spirit of togetherness and love it fosters. It’s the loss of enjoying those things that bring her sadness and pain today. She wonders what she did differently in the past that allowed her to really enjoy the Christmas season. Maybe it was anything more than a change in her perspective. Letting years of struggles cloud her vision of what truly matters, leaving her with only the negative views.

    1. mcullen Post author

      Thanks for posting, Lisa. You got me to thinking . . .

      The Holidays – Christmas – can be an intense time filled with stress and worry. Even if a person does the minimal, or does nothing for the holidays, I think stress is in the air and like a cold, tension is “catchy.” We pick up on one another’s stress.

      When we were youngsters, most of us were oblivious to all the planning and preparation it takes to pull off a successful holiday. We were on the “receiving” end of things. As adults we’re on the “giving” side of things. Most parents get used to giving as soon as their infant is handed to them. Of course this is how it should be. Babies are dependent on adults for survival.

      But the holidays, whenever that starts for you, becomes a season of extraordinary giving, often falling on one person’s shoulders. If you are that person, you know what this means. Lists, not just who wants what for presents, but the endless to-do lists. It’s no wonder people get burned out about the holidays. Tomorrow I’ll post ideas on how to de-stress the holiday season and bring back some of the joy. ~Marlene

  2. James Seamarsh

    The chill in the air reminds me how much I love to be held, warm, in the safe arms of a loved one, the heat seeping, penetrating every fear, relaxing every tension, releasing every anxiety.

    I wish I could give my children, now grown and responsible for themselves, the security I felt from my parents and family. Where did that feeling come from? My parents weren’t “holders” or “huggers”. Yet I have always felt safe. Perhaps it was just luck, the luck of NOT having that trust broken by circumstances.

    The holidays boil over with my insecurities, doubt, regret, remembrances of innocent childhood, unharmed, magical, protected from the outside world and all its ugliest challenges. I want to make it all better, a kiss on the finger, a band-aid wand.

    I have a mantra for the holidays: my suffering is caused by me taking responsibility for things I cannot control. It’s a variation of Buddhism and the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer. As much as I might wish to have given my children the Christmas I remember, I cannot change the past, nor can I control their perception. So I let go of expectations, cherish my memories, let go of the pain of wanting to change things I cannot, and bath myself in gratitude, giving until it hurts, and letting the wonder of this moment wash me silly with the dopamine of delight.

    1. mcullen Post author

      Wow, wow and wow! Excellent, gorgeous writing. You eloquently captured in words what many of us experience. I love your opening lines. You expertly capture feelings that many wish for. My two favorite lines: “I want to make it all better, a kiss on the finger, a band-aid wand.” And “letting the wonder of this moment wash me silly with the dopamine of delight.” It seems to me, when you sit down to write, perfection flows from your pen and fingers to the paper. That may not be true. You might struggle over every word. The writing you share here are gems to add to your wordsmithing treasure chest.

      1. James Seamarsh

        Perfection? I don’t think so! But it is a special connection, painful and real, that flows, more like blood from a wound than perfection. I had to take a break after this and the other piece I wrote while sitting at Apple Box yesterday, contemplating the holidays, nudged into creation by your prompts and generous blog. Happy Holidays, my favorite fan! May I write a book that you might edit for me next year! Love always, Jim

        1. mcullen Post author

          I know what you mean. . . yeah . . . not perfection in the “normal” sense. . . but perfection in the sense of the “special connection . . .” and that you got through it. Painful and real writing. . . that stings, brings tears, knots in the stomach. . . that kind of deep writing that is a combination of pain, pride and satisfaction in accomplishing digging deep, like excavating. Finding the meaningful nuggets and treasuring you had it in you to sit through, burrow deep and come out breathing . . . alive.

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